Fire Gardy

It has recently come to my attention that Barry Bonds has offered himself to every team in baseball, and says he will play for the minimum salary. Pro-rated $390K. Every team in baseball turned him down.

And he offered to donate that entire salary to purchase tickets for kids, so they can watch the games. It’s good to see that someone is thinking of the children!

Of course, I smell a rat here. It was his agent who made these offers, not Bonds himself. His agent is trying to build a collusion case against the MLB, claiming that the owners and GMs have been told by the league not to sign Bonds. By offering Bonds to every team at the minimum, it invalidates the “Well, he’s not really worth all that money any more” argument.

Whatever. Good for him. A sports agent is a weaselly lawyer type. What a shocker.

BUT! What if the offer, even if it has such an obvious ulterior motive, were for real? What if some team that would love to upgrade its offense, perhaps the Twins, signed Bonds for the minimum?

Case for Bonds joining the Twins: He walked 134 times last season, and homered 28 times. He’s an imposing middle of the lineup hitter and terrifies pitchers even if they’re left handed. The right field fence at the Dome isn’t very far away. His range in LF isn’t much worse than Young’s, and he wouldn’t foolishly try to dive/slide for balls that he should just catch on the bounce. He could DH, which might keep him fresher. We could DFA/drown Craig Monroe and/or Mike Lamb. Barry Bonds is F’ing good at hitting baseballs. It’s pretty much free.

That’s a pretty long list, but …

Case against Bonds joining the Twins: There’s no guarantee that he can keep this production up, at age 44, without the use of steroids. He’s a monumental douche, who could upset the good clubhouse vibe going on with the Twins right now (seriously, these guys are starting to gel). There isn’t enough lycra/polyester in Minnesota to make his hat. I still don’t advocate benching Young, even if his replacement is one of the best hitters of all time, since Young needs ABs to improve. I’m a big fan of Kubel and think he should be the every day DH — Kubel could hit another 15 HR this year … what could Bonds hit? 20? Also … there’d be a huge media/fan backlash against the team. And Selig might come and take the team away from Pohlad, sell it to his dog, and contract the team, giving Mauer to the Brewers.

I guess it all comes down to this: Do you think Barry Bonds can help the team win baseball games? And if so, are those wins worth the obvious distraction it’ll cause among the team, the fans, and the media?

I try not to judge players based on what they do off the field. So I don’t care that Bonds is a big asshole. But I do appreciate what the Twins have going, non-asshole-wise.

I’m really not happy about the steroids thing. I continue to cross my fingers and (naively?) hope that none of the good players on the Twins are steroid-built. (No, Rondell White doesn’t count.)

I’m high on Delmon Young and Jason Kubel, and I want them both to play as much as possible.

Those are my reasons the Twins shouldn’t sign Bonds.

(By the way Joe Posnanski thinks the Royals SHOULD.)